Hey Queen (King),
I have been so depressed lately. Yup...truthfully and
honestly.
I have been having so many mixed emotions
about where my entire life is headed based on life's most recent events. And I
mean my WHOLE life...
It seems like every time I think I
receive something to be trusted with....it gets taken away and for the life of
me I just don't understand. It's not even that I necessarily wanted these
things (right now) but I was willing to uphold the responsibility of them
despite. And still they were "given" and "taken" away.
All I can keep asking is:
- Why not me,
Lord?
- What
have I done so wrong to be undeserving of such opportunities?
- What am
I supposed to do?
- What am
I supposed to say?
- Is
this really Your Will?
- Why are you torturing me?
The questions that presumed my undeserving
nature just keep flowing in, convincing me more and more that I'm unworthy.
But, as I begin to indulge in His word...my
perspective slowly begins to change.
“Though he brings grief,
he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love.”
(Lamentations 3:32)
The passage above reminded me that despite my
grief, He still loves me and that He still shows compassion. To me that means
that there's more on the other side...more joy, more blessings, more life to
live, more love to give.
Grief is certainly an unpleasant experience and
usually hits us like a ton of bricks. It is pain that we are unable to
control by simply putting ointment and bandages on it. It takes greater effort
to heal. We have to actually talk and intentionally do things to counter the
feelings of grief, usually things that bring us joy even though we don't
physically feel like it. We have to cry and talk and do all those things that
make us look "weak".
But the truth is, that our ability to actually
approach this grief head on is what makes us strong. Being able to dig deep and
find out where these feelings are rooted will set you free. Doing the things
that don't avoid those feelings is what we really need to heal.
“So do not throw away
this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you!” (Hebrews 10:35)
Once you are ready to heal from these
emotions, you begin having healthier thoughts:
- Lord, I
know that I am chosen, is now not the right time?
- Thank
you for greater opportunities.
- There
is more work to be done, would you show me the way?
- My
experience is my testimony, would you allow me to share in front of those
who need it?
- Your
Will is simply amazing.
- Thank
You for protecting me from what I thought I deserved.
The key to maintaining these healthy thoughts
towards your situation is to Trust in the Lord. Everything is working for your
good. How many times have you gone through something and thought "This is
the end." But look, it wasn't. I know because you're reading this. God has
never left you and He does not plan to. All he asks is that you trust Him and
in return blessings will overflow in your life.
I know that none of this is as easy as it
sounds. We will still have days/nights that are hard. The tears will still
flow. The memories will still be there. But the beauty in it all is...God is
still there. When your friends don't answer, when your family doesn't
understand, when people simply don't care...God is always listening with open
ears and is willing to hold you.
Writing this blog is a part of my healing. I am also
committing to see a therapist. Opening up and being honest is the only way out of my
sadness. There is nothing more satisfying to me than helping others but I must
also help me to be effective. So whatever it takes, I’ll do.
God confirmed that leaning on Him through my
dark days will allow me to be a light to others in theirs.
“He comforts us in all
our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be
able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (2 Corinthians 1:4)
So, keep searching for the beauty in your
despair. Allow others to help you get through. Reach out to me if you’d like. When
you look back you'll realize that this too was a blessing and without it you
will not have be elevated to your next level.
I love you Queen (King)!
Queen Lennea
