Why (Not) Me?

Hey Queen (King),

I have been so depressed lately. Yup...truthfully and honestly. 

I have been having so many mixed emotions about where my entire life is headed based on life's most recent events. And I mean my WHOLE life...

It seems like every time I think I receive something to be trusted with....it gets taken away and for the life of me I just don't understand. It's not even that I necessarily wanted these things (right now) but I was willing to uphold the responsibility of them despite. And still they were "given" and "taken" away.

All I can keep asking is:

• Why not me, Lord? 
• What have I done so wrong to be undeserving of such opportunities? 
• What am I supposed to do?
• What am I supposed to say?
• Is this really Your Will?
• Why are you torturing me?

The questions that presumed my undeserving nature just keep flowing in, convincing me more and more that I'm unworthy.

But, as I begin to indulge in His word...my perspective slowly begins to change. 

“Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love.” (Lamentations 3:32)

The passage above reminded me that despite my grief, He still loves me and that He still shows compassion. To me that means that there's more on the other side...more joy, more blessings, more life to live, more love to give.

Grief is certainly an unpleasant experience and usually hits us like a ton of bricks. It is pain that we are unable to control by simply putting ointment and bandages on it. It takes greater effort to heal. We have to actually talk and intentionally do things to counter the feelings of grief, usually things that bring us joy even though we don't physically feel like it. We have to cry and talk and do all those things that make us look "weak".

But the truth is, that our ability to actually approach this grief head on is what makes us strong. Being able to dig deep and find out where these feelings are rooted will set you free. Doing the things that don't avoid those feelings is what we really need to heal.

“So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you!” (Hebrews 10:35)

Once you are ready to heal from these emotions, you begin having healthier thoughts:

• Lord, I know that I am chosen, is now not the right time?
• Thank you for greater opportunities. 
• There is more work to be done, would you show me the way?
• My experience is my testimony, would you allow me to share in front of those who need it?
• Your Will is simply amazing.
• Thank You for protecting me from what I thought I deserved.

The key to maintaining these healthy thoughts towards your situation is to Trust in the Lord. Everything is working for your good. How many times have you gone through something and thought "This is the end." But look, it wasn't. I know because you're reading this. God has never left you and He does not plan to. All he asks is that you trust Him and in return blessings will overflow in your life.

I know that none of this is as easy as it sounds. We will still have days/nights that are hard. The tears will still flow. The memories will still be there. But the beauty in it all is...God is still there. When your friends don't answer, when your family doesn't understand, when people simply don't care...God is always listening with open ears and is willing to hold you.

Writing this blog is a part of my healing. I am also committing to see a therapist. Opening up and being honest is the only way out of my sadness. There is nothing more satisfying to me than helping others but I must also help me to be effective. So whatever it takes, I’ll do.

God confirmed that leaning on Him through my dark days will allow me to be a light to others in theirs.

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (2 Corinthians 1:4)

So, keep searching for the beauty in your despair. Allow others to help you get through. Reach out to me if you’d like. When you look back you'll realize that this too was a blessing and without it you will not have be elevated to your next level.

I love you Queen (King)!

Queen Lennea